Football Leagues
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Playing Australian Rules Football (AFL) "Nevertheless, through the whole saga of deciding just which rules really rule in Aussie Rules, one thought kept recurring. Namely, how odd it is that a game which partly began on the goldfields in Victoria in the 1850s - so the miners could do something other than fossick on Sunday afternoon - should have evolved to the point where it is really worth having two teams engage QCs at twenty paces to work out who won. I know, I know, it is the norm that much of professional sport has to be as serious as syphilis these days, but still, it is hard to escape the conclusion that something has been lost ."Peter FitzSimons When it was codified in 1859, Australian Football only had ten rules. Five of these rules related to ground measurements and were generally followed. The other five rules were largely irrelevant as the code had no umpires for the next twenty years, so most players could do whatever they wanted. Captains were expected to provide some sense of order, but they often found players being uncooperative. Henry Harrison, one of the co-founders of Australian Football, wrote with some frustration: "As Captain, I once protested that such tactics were against the rules, but the only satisfaction I got was the forceful reply, 'to H- with your rules!" The lack of restrictions helped the code gain popularity amongst the larrikins, squatters, ex-cons and diggers that had flooded into Melbourne. It was a free flowing game where people could go out and have fun without having to worry about rules, regulations or officials. Over the subsequent 150 years, these ten rules have grown to fill out a 91-page book as Australian Football has become the most over officiated and over regulated sport on earth. Like all good laws should, most of its laws contradict each other, and so it is now generally recommended to complete a law degree before attempting to play the game.
If you do decide to familiarise yourself with all 91 pages of laws, bear in mind that the AFL has a habit of changing them every year so you will need to do some refresher courses each pre season. The main rule to concern yourself with is the law forbidding throwing of the ball. Of course, like most Australian Football laws, the law is quite vague as to what purpose it serves or what exactly is or isn't allowed. "Ruckmen" can "tap" the ball with an open hand and it is ok. But if an ordinary player taps the ball with an open hand it may be penalised as a throw. You can't give the ball, but if an opponent grabs it out of your hands your wont be penalised. However, if a team mate pulls it out of your hands, the umpire will presume you gave it and you will be penalised. It is perfectly acceptable to throw the ball onto the ground if it bounces back up to you. Sometimes you can throw the ball away if you make it look like it was an accidental throw away, an accidental drop, or the ball slipped out of your hands. If you throw the ball onto the ground as if you were trying to make it bounce up to you, but it bounces in another direction, that is generally ok. Circumstances are very important in regards to whether throwing is tolerated. If you try to beat a tackler and you accidentally throw it then you will be penalised. If such situations, you must "handball" the ball away. Even if you do handball, the umpire might still penalise you. Generally if your handball didn't go to anyone and it looks like your were trying to be a smart-arse, then the umpire will try to cut you down to size. A handball is when the ball is punched off a hand supporting the ball. To constitute a punch, the hand must be in a fist. It doesn't really matter if the supporting hand throws the ball and gives it the momentum. All that matters is that the other hand looks like a fist and looks like it touched the ball - irrespectively of how softly. Sometimes semi-fists are tolerated. Generally, umpires say the hand is a fist if it is more than 80 per cent clenched. A fist at 60 per cent clenched will generally arouse umpiring suspicions that you are trying to disguise a throw as a handball.
Although there is no offside rule in Australian Football, at specific times there are places that you can't go. After a goal is kicked, the game recommences in the "centre square" and only a limited number of players are allowed in here. For those who are allowed in the square, there are some other places they can't go in case it blocks the path of the "ruckmen" who jump for the ball. However if the ball gets "locked up" and the umpire starts play a second time, then different rules apply and more people are allowed in, and different positions can be taken. When the game stops under a pack or the ball goes out, the umpire will generally restart play with a "bounce" or a "throw up " or a "thrown in." Sometimes if you stand your ground and mind your own business you get penalised for blocking the path of an opponent. Sometimes you are allowed to jump for the ball like the ruckmen, other times you can't. It is generally advisable not think about where you can or can not go and just stick close to your opponent. Aussie rules coaches tend to be meglamaniacs who like to think the destiny of the game resides in their hands. Their chief obsession is with "accountability." It doesn't really matter if you get the ball five times to your opponents one, if it looks like you are doing your own thing and having fun, they will generally "drag" you from the field for you being "accountable."
Generally, when people play sports they want to be in the thick of the action by having possession of the ball for as long as possible. If you are one such person, it is best to master the "bounce". In Australian rules, you are allowed to hold the ball as long as you want provided you bounce it every ten meters. Now bouncing an egg-shaped ball is difficult at the best of times. It becomes even more difficult on country ovals which often have a surface like swiss cheese. It is also almost impossible on rain-soaked ovals where the ball just sinks in the mud. So areas with high rainfall, such as Sydney, England or the Pacific Islands, perhaps forget about learning the bounce and instead master the skill of actually bending over to touch the ball onto the ground. Running fast and bending over to touch the ground is quite annoying. And so you might conclude that having possession is overrated and want to learn to get rid of it. If you so desire, you can just throw the ball into mud, let it sink and keep running. If you really like running and beating tacklers, run off the oval and join a rugby league game. If you want to look like you can get rid of the ball in a professional manner, you have to learn how to handball with both hands, and kick with both legs. Such skills are a bit difficult to master at first and you will look a bit like one of those maths nerds that hated physical education at school. But keep at and you will be on your way soon enough. To get the ball, you have to learn to catch and "mark." It is a catch when you take possession of the ball from a handpass, or if the ball "spills" off a "pack" (a group of players). It is a mark when the ball has left the foot, not be touched anyone's hand, and travelled 15 meters in the air. On the condition that you hold the mark, it is allowable to jump into the air, knee your opponent in the back, lacerate his kidneys and dislocate a disc from his spine. If you hold the mark everyone will cheer. If you drop it, umpires might penalise you. Again, it all depends on how the umpire feels on the day. (Bear in mind, although it is ok to risk damaging people's kidneys and paralysing them, if you throw a punch that may leave a bruise your liable to get suspended for a few weeks. Likewise, if you grab a jumper and engage in a "mellee", then you might get suspended or fined.)
The "shepherd" is one of the great joys of Australian rules. In theory, if a player is within five meters of the ball, you can shoulder charge him front on or from the side. A well executed shepherd is a fantastic feeling of emotional gratification. You can really hurt an opponent, without getting hurt yourself. Really appeals to that schendenfrauda in us all. Furthermore, a shepherd allows you to release all you anger being built up as a result of losing by 20 goals or umpires acting like wankers. Best of all, it is a skill you do from day one. If you have played a bit of soccer or rugby you should be able to assess where your opponent is going, and then work out a line where you can hit him. However like all the other rules, umpires tend to consider your motives and character before assessing whether to penalise you. It doesn't really matter what you do, or whether you acted in the rules, umpires are more concerned with your motivation and character. If the umpire suspects that you only shepherded an opponent to hurt him, then you might be penalised and "reported" for "unduly rough play." If the shepherd was to protect your team mate, then umpires will say everything is ok as long as the victim isn't too badly hurt. If the victim gets badly hurt, irrespective of whether you acted in accordance with the rules, then umpires will get you suspended.
In theory, you are only penalised if you kick the ball out "on the full". However if you intentionally push the ball out of the playing arena then you will be penalised. To determine whether you did it intentionally, the umpires take many things into consideration. Sometimes they look at your face to see if you look suspicious. If you look happy then they suspect you did it on purpose. To make the umpires think it was an accident, it is best to utter an exclamation. Don't say "fuck." Umpires tend to be wowsers and often penalise profanity with "50 meter penalties." Golly gosh or fiddel-de-dee would be better. Aside from assessing if you look suspicious, umpires also consider whether you had motive. If you team benefited from the ball going out then umpires assume you must have done it intentionally, and so they will penalise you. In such circumstances, it doesn't matter how many golly goshes you say, if you were isolated with no one to kick to and the ball went out, the umpire will assume you did it on purpose. Nor will it matter if you got rid of the ball to stop being penalised for being tackled with the ball. Umpires love their whistles, and love punishing people who seem of dubious character.
At each end of the ground are four goal posts which create three goals that the ball can travel through to score. If the ball leaves your foot and travels through through the middle goal without being touched by the opposition, then it will score 6 points. If it touched the hand or an opponent, then it will be one point. If it goes through the side goals, it will be one point. If the ball hits the middle two posts it will be one point. If it hits the side two posts without touching the ground first, it will be out of bounds on the full. The scoring system is a little unusual. In days past, the behinds were counted for anything other than encouragement value. They were defined as 'near misses.'
Aussie rules coaches tend to fancy themselves as Einsteins whose quantum physics tactics can make the difference between winning and losing. They love their white boards and will have magnetic stickers with the names of all the players. Before the game and in the breaks, they waffle on for great lengths as they move the stickers around and talk about this name running here, and this name running there and this name who will kick to this name who will do this so that name can do that. The names on their white boards can then have a bit of a tendency to resemble electrons orbiting around the nucleous of an atom. It is a lot of information to take in, especially if you are expected to be one of these fast-moving electrons needing to make contact with another electron. A notebook is recommended if you want to remember it all. However, most of what they say is useless so it usually best just to humour the coach with a face that shows you are listening. In reality, beginner Aussie rules players consider it to be a success if they kick the ball in the direction of their own goals. Ideas of "switches", "cutting off leads", "zone defences", "huddles", "extra man in defence" and all variety of permutations when this permutations occurs are just not possible to implement. Even if you do decide to run to the places the coach recommended, he will probably drag you as you are not being "accountable." Afterall, just because you decided to follow your coach's quantum tactics doesn't mean your opponent will, and afterall, coaches hate players who aren't accountable. Complimenting the tactics, sometimes the coaches use motivational techniques. For example, they may write a team mates name on every player's arm, and then ask every player to look at the name on their arm and "do it" for their team mate. If you are a beginner player, the likelihood is that your team will have plenty of ring ins and match day will be your first chance to meet them. The name on your arm might help you to remember who your team mate actually is. After you've had the chance to say g'day, you can then implement your coach's advice to "do it" for your new friend. If you are really lucky, a coach may ask everyone to close their eyes and he will then play Eye of the Tiger music. To make the most of the experience, imagine you are Rocky punching those beef carcasses. Of course, when you get onto the field don't actually punch anyone else your coach will drag you for being ill disciplined.
Still confused? If you really want to play Aussie rules, you are just going to have to tolerate crazy coaches, rules that don't make sense and wanker umpires. Sometimes the whistle will blow and the umpire will give you a "free kick" for no apparent reason. Sometimes the whistle will blow and your opponent will have a free kick for no apparent reason. Let it be. If you can do this, Aussie rules can be quite a fun game.
Umpires, or "white maggots" as they are affectionately known, are the most vilified elements of the game. Their role is an almost impossible one. They are expected to know all 91 pages of rules and then constantly make decisions that are always going to be contentious. Some umpires deal with this problem by constantly blowing the whistle to penalise players. In their own mind, they believe that the more authority they can stamp on the game, the more they will be respected. So aside from blowing their whistle at every slight infringement, they may penalise players for profanity. In one high-profile case in the AFL, an umpire even penalised one player for calling his opponent a "dog." Presumably, the umpire thought the player should have called his opponent something a little nicer, like Cobber, Buddy or Sport. Occasionally, the rare umpire gains respect for "putting the whistle away" and "letting the game go." For many fans and players alike, a good umpire is relatively inconspicuous. They act like a good child by being seen, but rarely heard. Most players are happy for umpires to only blow their whistle when a player's safety is at risk or when there has been deliberate cheating such as holding onto an opponent's jumper. They want umpires to ignore "tiggy touchwood" infringements, or when both players seem to be at fault. When umpires are on a power trip or have sided with the opposition over a contentious decision, there isn't much point arguing with them. There is a common saying that "no umpire has even changed his decision." It just goes to show what egotistical wankers they are. Despite realising they made a mistake, they are too proud to admit it, apologise for it, or change their decision so that justice can be served. In an extreme example, umpires in the AFL once didn't hear the siren that signaled the game was over. The winning team duley informed the umpires that the siren had sounded, only for the umpires to bounce the ball and keep the game going. As it is really not a common sight for players try to fool the umpires into thinking the game is finished, it might have been an opportunity for umpires to get together and verify things, but no, the players had to be ignored. Meanwhile, a spectator started banging on the the glass of the timekeeper's office, with a beer stubby, in order to persuade him to blow the siren a second time. In the extenstion of the game, the result of the match changed, leaving the AFL with a difficult public relations issue on its hands. Perhaps the moral of the story was that it is a necessary qualification of all umpires to be deaf as well as blind.
So you want to play a game where you aren't going to suffer the serious injuries suffered by playing rugby. The good news is that the rules forcing bouncing of the ball and outlawing throwing ensure that Australian Football doesn't have the gang tackling of rugby. Without the tackling, Australian Football doesn't room for the short stocky players who hit hard and may leave a bruise. Consequently, there is a high probability that you will be able to go drinking on a Saturday night without having to worry about your doctor's warning that alcohol shouldn't be consumed with a concussion. Without the short stocky thugs, Australian Football is a game of great athleticism where you will be able to run, turn, and jump at high speed. The bad news is that running, jumping and turning at high speeds leads to the kind of injuries that make a heavy tackle seem relatively painless. Rupturing the ligaments in your knee is always a risk. If this occurs, you are looking at an operation and no play for about a year. Ankles take plenty of wear and sprains are common, as are shin splints when the calf muscles fail, scar and build up with blood. Knees in your back are something you will have to get used to. Just hope that the discs in your spine don't get dislodged too easily. You may also get a few finger injuries that will allow you to do some party tricks wowing your audience. Some people get their finger joints and ligaments so damaged that they start to resemble the fingers of the wicked witch of the west. Other people can pull their fingers back to touch their wrist. Although ladies may not like their bodies being touched by crooked fingers, at least your mates will be impressed. If such party tricks don't interest you, be sure you learn how to master running at full speed to mark a spinning egg shaped ball, above your head, after it has just kicked 50 meters. A slight mistake will result in some pain. (And if there are some umpires about, be sure to remember that fiddle-de-dee and golly gosh are of the few acceptable exclamations.) As a general rule, the higher level you play, the faster the game will become and the less short, stocky thugs that you will encounter. And as the thugs progressively diminish, the number of injuries progressively increases. Moral of the story, play soccer if you don't want pain. Origin of some bizarre rules
Henry Harrison, one of the code's founders, initially implemented the bounce. Harrison was particularly athletic and believed that bouncing the ball would bring athletic players such as himself back to the pack. Ironically, the bounce has now eliminated the short and stocky players as it hinders running with the ball. Now, it is only athlectic players who are suitable for the game.
The handball has some significant advantages over a throw. In many circumstances, it can be more powerful and faster. It was belief in the superiority of the skill that motivated rule makers to make it compulsory. It was believed that if everyone handballed, the pace of the game would increase and rucks would not form. Ironically, the handball may now be making the game more congested. A scoop or a throw is sometimes the best way to get the ball out of a pack. Unable to get two hands to the ball, often a pack of players emerge and the ball does not come out.
Australian Football is the only sport that rewards people for a missed shot on goal. Initially behinds were counters as 'near misses' and did not count. Then some people decided that a near miss should count.
In soccer, players are not rewarded for an intended shot on goal. In rugby, players do not escape penalty by accidentally kicking the ball out. Both code's state that it is not what you intended to do, but what you actually did. The same is not the case in the AFL. The holding the ball rule as well as the out of bounds rule take into consideration what the player intended to do. There is really no rational explanation for this.
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Invention of Australian sports Cricket
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The
rule book