Football Leagues
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The colour in the Australian cricket players In the 19th century, the English believed that Australia's Convict foundations would inevitably lead to the "physical and moral degeneration of it's people." In some ways, the past two decades has seen the emergence of a new breed of cricketer that seems to indicate that this prophecy is partly coming to fruition. During the period, Australia produced a procession of big-boned cricketers that looked anything but Olympic athletes. Furthermore, many of them seemed more in love with beer than the game itself. Where the prophecy falls down is that the cricketer's limitations in shape never held them back from dominating the game. Australia has won the last three cricket World Cups and has been the best test team for the past decade and a half. Furthermore, on the field, Australians have set a moral example to the rest of the cricketing world. Despite the Convict foundations, Australians have always respected the decisions of the umpires. Unlike some countries, they have never forfeited a match by walking off the ground in protest against a decision. Likewise, unlike one major cricketing nation, they have not repeatedly threatened to cancel tours unless an umpire is removed. Like every team, Australia has had some grievances with umpires over the years, but once emotions cool, Australians have always given umpires the respect they deserve. While the conduct of the Australian players off the field can be debated, their conduct on the field can only be debated by individuals looking to justify their own failure. Despite respecting umpires, and setting an example of professionalism, for some commentators, such as Peter Roebuck and Geoff Lawson, this is simply not enough. Such commentators have criticised Australia for displaying a "win-at-all-costs" attitude. Presumably, they want the Australian cricketers to apply the spirit of backyard cricket. Specifically, lesser players can't be given out first ball, and no fast bowling to the kids or the ladies. Unfortunately, not even this spirit would keep some teams happy. When giving one major cricketing nation the chance to save a test by surviving one over against a part-time spin bowler, the nation lost its nerve, and lost three wickets in five balls. The nation then spat the dummy, said it's their bat and their ball and they would be going home with it unless they had their way. Australia's modern cricketer Australia's new cricket era began in 1979 when the infamous Dennis Lillee walked out to the crease with an aluminium cricket bat. Despite requests from the umpires, Lillee refused to change the bat since he quite rightly asserted that he was not breaking any laws of cricket. More arguments ensued and finally Lillee threw the bat in disgust and accepted a willow bat. Lillee again raised the ire of officialdom in 1981 when he booted the arse of Javed Miandad. Miandad responded by raising his bat above his head in a threatening manner which in turn provoked Lillee to square him up like a boxer. The loutish appearance of cricket layers continued with Merv Hughes. Merv resembled the type of character that fathers have nightmares that their daughter will bring home. He had a huge handlebar moustache and an even bigger beer gut. Merv also had a habit of sticking his tongue in his team mate's ears and an impressive record of taking the piss out of opponents. Merv's look-a-like was the diminutive David Boon. Whilst Boon's on-field conduct was beyond reproach, off the field he was renowned for his appreciation of alcohol. In fact, he became a drinking icon when on a flight to London, he put back 52 beers. In theory, this should have put him in the grave but being the resilient fella he is, Boonie survived. (Although legend has it he had to be wheeled off the plane in a trolley.) The latest in full figured cricket players was Shane Warne who likewise attracted a share of controversy befitting his prosperous girth. After winning the ashes in 1997, television footage showed Warne dancing in celebration. Of course Warne is no Ricky Martin and the sight of his large gyrating figure subsequently provoked many viewers to complain about the unsightly behaviour. Unlike other jolly fatman such as Mikey Robbins, Fatty Vautin, Sarah-marie Belcastro, Tubby Taylor, Merv Hughes and Kim Beazey, Warne was sensitive about his weight which of course made it fun to tease him about it. When he was unveiling a waxworks double of himself at a sport's theme cafe, a television reporter asked if he preferred the shape of his wax look-a-like, which was considerably leaner than the big-boned spinner. Irritated by the question, Warne (then aged 28) snapped: ``That's why I don't answer any questions from you blokes. That's it, you've ruined it . . . thanks very much.'' Warne stepped down from the podium, and stormed from the room. Over the subsequent years, the cruel fat jokes continued to cut deep and in desperation, Warne confided in his mother. Warne's mother, understanding the importance of looking good, suggested a course of diuretics to find that unrealistic slim appearance promoted by the fashion magazines. The drugs did the job and Warne may have at last found happiness had he not been subjected to a random drug test. At a hearing into the presence of illegal substances in his urine, he made a heartfelt plea regarding the pain he felt when he saw cricket fans playing with inflatable whales bearing his name. It seems that the ACB empathised with his dreams of vanity and only suspended him for one year. It was unknown whether Warne would use his new found free time in the gym or if he would instead direct his depression towards consuming a bucket of fried chicken. The mystery was answered when a lean and mean looking Warne turned up for his first post-ban training session wearing tights! And so unfortunate cricket fans were confronted with the depressing sight of a man with a big head and chicken legs still trying to be Fabio.
David Boon - Aka the Keg on legs, is the proud holder of the 52-can Sydney-London beer drinking record. A true Australian icon. Simon O'Donnell - Ex-St Kilda footy player who turned to cricket to discover what it is like to win a sporting contest. Overcame cancer to star with both bat and ball. Legend all round. Dean Jones - Great batsmen but not liked by the officials. Was dropped from the team for an undisclosed reason. Glenn McGrath- Given his little boy look, one suspected his mother cuts his hair. Wouldn't have looked out of place in gum boots or a yellow raincoat. Often threw temper tantrums. Stuart Clark - A poor man's Glen McGrath. Slow and steady line and length bowler with an even more generic haircut. Speaks with even less emotion than he bowls. David Hookes - Big hitting left-hander who was a crowd favourite. After retirement, continued to entertain with references to a Johannesburg woman as a "dopey, hairy-backed sheila" and looking on the positive side of Tasmanian crowds: "Yes, there'll probably be a crowd of about 12,000 people and 24,000 heads." Greg Ritchie - aka Fat cat, rivals with Inzamam Ul-Haq, aka the Potato, as the fattest man to play international cricket. Mike Hussey - Has a name like a loose woman, which perhaps fits his cavalier approach to batting Justin Langer - Spoke like a jockey and looked a little crossed eyed. Perhaps this was due to his diminutive stature or otherwise his underpants may have been too tight. Was very sensitive about small man jokes. After being described as a "brown nose gnome" on Cricket Australia's official website, saw to it that the offending party lost his job. Despite obvious displeasure, it seems the gnome jokes would forever haunt him. In his retirement game, commentators speculated he would have been in "gnome-man's land" after he dropped a catch. Later, a commentator asked for "gnome-more jokes though, please". Allan Border - Short and stocky with a thin moustache that gave a porn star appearance that maybe has Ron Jeremy looking over his shoulder. Rumour has it that he and Steve Waugh never saw eye to eye. Brett Lee - Although a pin up boy for the adolescents, definitely not a man's man. Merv Hughes - The great man himself! Huge handlebar moustache and beer gut to boot made him look more like a biker than a cricket player. Impressive record of taking the piss. Great Australian icon. Andy Bichel - Honest toiler who made the most of limited natural talent. Probably needed a beer gut or Ned Kelly beard in order to reach icon status and retain place in the team. Ian Healy - Popular Australian; despite the fact he was a Queenslander. Andrew Symonds - Immensely talented and was once involved in a tug-a-war between England and Australia for his services. Speaks in true ocker style: "me batting, it come good mate." Aside from his brilliant cricket, great to hear fair dinkum Aussie speak once more. "Funky" Miller - Dyed his hair blue. Perhaps looked a little try hard when compared to hardcore eccentrics like Merv Hughes and David Gillespie. Darren Lehmann - Fat and bald. Should have had a word to Warney that being ugly isn't so bad. Sadly, his retirement may signal the end of a great era of fat cricketers who enjoyed a beer and a smoke. Greg Matthews - Went bald and then flogged advanced hair with the catch cry "yeah yeah". Ricky Ponting - Cavalier batsmen and larrikin off the field. After getting himself black eye at the Bourbon and Beefsteak in Kings Cross (red-light district), had to deal with jokes about ducking bouncers and avoiding hookers. Still became the Australian captain and married his girlfriend; probably because his boyish grin makes it is easy to forgive his indiscretions. Michael Clarke - Seemed a bit wrapped up in making his hair look like a pineapple. With Ponting going bald, needed to take heed that hair isn't everything. Fortunately, he shaved his head and was subsequently considered for the captaincy. Mike Whitney - Fast bowler with a heart as big as his afro. Even the brothers from Harlem would have been impressed. Saved a test by blocking out Richard Hadlee. Matthew Hayden - Scored the highest ever score in international cricket and was said to be batting as good as Bradman. Performances fell away when he donned an apron and released a cook-book! Likes to praise god after scoring a century but still isn't honest enough to walk when he knows he is out. Very dubious! Jason Gillespie - Has a bit of an air of Lucifer about him. Burst onto the scene with long hair, big ear rings and only needed the pointy beard to make Hayden feel uneasy about his team mate. More insight into his evil tendencies emerged when he was asked about his new hair style: "I'm trying to bring the mullet back into world sport. There's a distinct lack of mullets floating around in all walks of life." Scored a double century, then was dropped from the team. Steve Waugh - A true survival of the fittest character. Over his career, he exemplified innovation, doggedness, natural skill and an absolute refusal to surrender. The combination of these talents saw him rise to the Australian captaincy and lead it to its status as the best side the world had ever seen. Waugh was the character who everyone would want to have beside them in the trenches, provided they are aware that if only one can survive, Waugh would do whatever is necessary to ensure that it is him. Michael Slater - Aggressive opening batsmen. Dropped for undisclosed reasons. The rumours regarding what the undisclosed reasons might be were more interesting than the reality. Michael Kasprowicz - Uncle Toby's oats character- good, wholesome but porridge never-the-less. Adam Gilchrist - Huge ears gives him a bit of a Yoda look. Entered the team under immense pressure for replacing the popular Ian Healy. Has since gone on to become arguably the greatest wicket-keeper batsmen in history. Good sportsmen as well. Shane Warne - The Australian Narcissus. Had all the hallmarks of being a great Australian icon; smoker, boozer, gambler, fatso and the ability to make the Poms look totally inept. Tragically, he threw it all away with unattainable dreams of vanity. All his problems could have been avoided if he just learnt to be comfortable with being a fat, balding cricket player. Shaun Tait - Fabled fast men who was selected for a few tests and neither intimidated bastmen nor took wickets. After being dropped, he doubted his own abilities and quit the game. Damien Martyn - Although he didn't resemble the 'lampside on the head' character, was said to be the Australian team's "party boy." Scott Muller - As Shane Warne likes him to be remembered, Scott only played two tests for Australia. In one of those tests, he made a poor throw from the outfield and a microphone picked up what appeared to be Warne under the alias of Joe the Camerman saying: "Can't bowl. Can't throw." Mark Taylor - Had friends in high places who ensured that that he retained his place in the test team when merit stipulated he should have been dropped. Only Australian captain to lead his team to missing the finals of World Series Cricket. Thankfully, was subsequently given the arse not only from the captaincy, but the entire team. Mark Waugh - Like many cricketers, seemed to love wearing sunglasses inside. Did a few commercials for dandruff shampoo. Stuart Magill - Likes coffee, wine and a bit of agro. Bit of an Oscar the grouch character. Michael Bevan - Great all round cricketer who always seemed team focussed rather than on his average like some other players. Bruce Reid - Resembled a vertical stick insect which ultimately led to him breaking in half and being unable to bowl. Craig McDermott - Aggressive fast bowler who disarmed the batsmen with a triangular hairstyle that bore a striking resemblance to female pubic hair. Dennis Lillee - Greeted the Queen by saying: "g'day, how ya goin?", tried to get away with using an aluminium bat, had a dubious wager on a cricket match, booted the arse of Miandad, bounced everyone and wore a shocking headband. Truly a great Australian! Jeff Thomson - Rumour has it he said the 'sound of the ball hitting the batsman's scull was music to his ears.' Quite a sadistic comment considering he was perhaps the fastest bowler of all time. Impressive mullet. Rodney Hogg - Blue eyes and blond curly hair made him a fast-bowling Shirley Temple. Although fast, was never able to intimidate batsmen like Lillee or Thommo. Perhaps needed a big moustache. Rod Marsh - Initially dropped everything and earned the nickname "iron gloves". Performance improved after claiming the Sydney-London drinking record. Impressive moustache. Ian Harvey - Grew his hair long to get a bit of a Fabio look happening. To allay suspicions that he was reading too many Mills and Boon novels, needed to follow Gillespie's lead and turn it into a mullet. Failed to do so and so fell out of favour with selectors. Kim Hughes - Pretty boy with an effeminate name. Cried when he announced he was resigning as Captain. As the English press had a field day about crying Aussies, public figures came to his defence with excuses about his box being too tight! Shane Watson - He-Man hairstyle perhaps revealed a lifelong obsession with Masters of the Universe. Otherwise, may have been following Ian Harvey's lead in believing the all rounders need Prince Valiant hair. Although looked strong, was weak in body and just could never get onto the field uninjured. Greg Chappell - Fine batsmen but poor sportsmen. As captain, he instructed his brother Trevor to bowl the last ball underarm, along the ground, to prevent New Zealand from being able to hit a six off the last bowl to win the game. If it was anyone other than the Kiwis, such actions would be impossible to forgive. Ian Chappell - Although he had an impressive moustache, he also permed his hair. Fans wondered whether he might also be secreltly wearing ladies underwear.
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Invention of Australian sports Cricket
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Australian
players over the last two decades
