St Kilda Saints
The AFL's answer to Homer Simpson

As Pat Rafter said after being named Australian of the Year, "Australians must love a loser". Indeed, a sense of endearment to the hopeless cases is the only way to explain why a club like St Kilda is one of the AFL's more popular clubs despite boasting a Homer Simpson style history.

Although their name suggests an association with a higher power, St Kilda has always been entrenched at the bottom of the ladder. The club began its life by losing its first 48 matches; a sequence of failure which remains unparalleled to this day. From round one 1897 to round five 1903 the club's record was 2 wins - 101 losses - 1 draw. The Saints hold the record for the lowest score in a VFL/AFL match (1point) and with 26 wooden spoons, they hold the record for finishing last on most occasions. The Saints have only one premiership which took a VFL record of 67 years to achieve.

With such an impressive record of underachievement, it is understandable that the Saints came to believe that winning isn't everything. In 1894, the Australiasian wrote of the club:

'Two classes of men play football. With one, the pleasure of participating is more than sufficient recompense of defeat; the other class thinks the win is above everything else. To the first class I think those happy, genial Saints belong'.

Despite the lack of success, the club became tremendously popular. The correlation between on-field failure and off-field popularity was first noted in the 1920s when "St Kilda fluctuated between mediocrity and abject incompetence, a mix which paradoxically seemed to endear them to the public. "

With little success on the field, St Kilda footballers decided to savour the other joys of being part of a football club. Specifically, heavy drinking. As a consequence, Saints players often found themselves spending the night in a prison cell or turning up to training thinking the winter sun was far too bright.

Football is a pastime that doesn't usually appeal to artists, outcasts, homosexuals, losers, troublemakers, hippys, goths and all manner of people with social problems. For some reason; however, such people seem to find St Kilda's image attractive. Some high profile examples include entertainers Molly Meldrum, Elton John and Graham Kennedy, broadcaster Francis Leach, comedians Matthew Hardy and John Safran, actors like Eric Bana and finally, and text-sex addicts like Shane Warne.

 There is no doubt that St Kilda fans like to win, but although they take winning seriously, they don't take themselves seriously. By joking about their mediocrity football remains a fun pastime - even when their Saints are losing. This is somewhat of a contrast to Tiger fans where sustained failure is somewhat of a balding experience.

With losing as entrenched in St Kilda’s culture as firmly as VB is entrenched in Victorian culture, the club has been a revolving line of spaced out ideas aimed at solving the problem. In the last 30 odd years, the board has appointed 15 or so different coaches and implemented some bizarre philosophies to compliment them.

In recent times, some of the more bizarre philosophies were implemented by ex-President Ron Butterss – a man who was an enigma in himself. Butterss sported a designer three-day growth on his face. Presumably, the facial hair aimed to cultivate a laid-back larrikin type demeanour. In contradiction to the demeanour; however, was his obsessive compulsive disorder in regards to side-burns. While his face escaped the razors edge each morning, his sideburns definitely did not. The result was a kind of fashion statement that even Hawthorn would be ashamed of.

Butterss’ enigmatic attitude to hair was metaphoric of the way he ran the football club. Initially, he recruited Malcolm Blight as coach- a legend of the game. Mid-way into Blight’s first season, Butterss had Blight sacked and replaced with fellow board member Grant Thomas, a man whose previous coaching gig involved under 19s in a country town.

Coach and board then decided that the way to the top would be to bottom out. In theory, by finishing at the bottom of the ladder, more spoons could be acquired, and with them, prized draft picks.  Ironically, the St Kilda fan’s tolerance of failure allowed the board to pursue the policy. Unlike Richmond fans who can not stand losing, St Kilda fans were comfortable in their lowly position and so continued to support the club through its dark years.

While a loser culture was been useful in attaining draft selections, the club found it difficult to subsequently transform a losing culture into a winning culture. In both 2004 and 2005, St Kilda had what was arguably the best list in the AFL; yet in neither season did the club make the Grand Final. Some commentators noted that, in keeping with their tradition, the lack of success didn't seem to be of particular concern to supporters:

"It is like the Saints fans either did not expect to win or are so used to losing, this disappointment, too, can be borne. What's that the French say? The more things change, the more they stay the same."

In 2006, the Saints again made the finals, then Buttress had his mate Thomas sacked over a personal feud. The following year, Thomas’ replacement tried to introduce a dour defensive game upon a team that had one of the most potent attacks in the league. St Kilda didn’t even make the finals. St Kilda’s tradition was truly alive and kicking.  

Aside from being reflected in its spoon collection, St Kilda's losing culture is reflected in its club song. St Kilda footballers have never really taken the issue of a victory song seriously because it never seemed likely that they would need one. Consequently, the club has had a habit of choosing ridiculous songs. One of their early songs was about living besides the sea. It started off singing about being by the sea, then predicts that St Kilda will be premiers, only to then say that there is a chance that St Kilda will be premiers. For some reason, it then finishes by singing about being beside the sea.

The song eventually gave way to the less than inspiring When the Saints go Marching in:

Oh when the Saints, go marching in,
Oh when the Saints go marching in,
Oh how I want to be with St Kilda.
When the Saints go marching in.

Oh when the Saints, go marching in,
Oh when the Saints go marching in,
Oh how I want to be with St Kilda.
When the Saints go marching in.

Make me proud... or at least less ashamed.

Roy Morgan research

St Kilda Saints supporters are:

2001 - compared to other Australians

• 31% more likely to be aged 35-49 than the average person;
• 18% more likely than the average person to have eaten at McDonalds in the last four weeks;
• 22% more likely to say imported beer is a waste of money;
• 22% more likely than the average person to say freedom is more important than the law.

2004 - compared to other AFL supporters

• 35% more likely to be aged 35-49
• 56% more likely to be professional
• 25% more likely to have travelled by air
• 20% more likely to have bought fresh flowers
• 17% more likely to drink wine with their meals
• 16% more likely to believe that threats to the environment are exaggerated

2006 when compared to other AFL supporters

• 25% more likely to prefer the bright lights and big cities when they travel
• 22% more likely to agree that if they didn't have to carry a mobile phone for work they wouldn't have one at all
• 22% more likely to always read the business section of the newspaper

Club song st kilda theme song

Oh when the Saints, go marching in,
Oh when the Saints go marching in,
Oh how I want to be with St Kilda.
When the Saints go marching in.

Oh when the Saints, go marching in,
Oh when the Saints go marching in,
Oh how I want to be with St Kilda.
When the Saints go marching in.

Not the most imaginative of songs. A cynic may say that St Kilda footballers never took the issue of a club song seriously, perhaps because their constant losing made it seem unlikely that they would ever need one.

Rivalries

 As St Kilda has always been hopeless, they have lacked the opportunities to get some rivalries going. However in 1997 they made the Grand Final and felt confident they may finally win that elusive second flag. As the Saint's opponent was Adelaide from the City of Churches, fate seemed to be smiling their way. Unfortunately, the Saints lost the game and with it, their best chance of making an enemy. 

St Kilda jokes

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a St Kilda fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are St Kilda fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a St Kilda fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a St Kilda fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Essendon fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you an Essendon fan?" "Because my Mum is a Essendon fan, and my Dad is an Essendon fan, so I'm an Essendon fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Essendon fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a St Kilda fan."
www.convictcreations.com

St Kilda as a wine

All Saint Claret:
No wine has spent longer in the cellar than this one. You'd think by now it might have improved, but Nup! Still bloody terrible and not likely to improve given that newly-hired winemaker Thomas's last job was brewing backyard root beer in Warrnambool.

Icon

• Barry Breen - Kicked a point to put the Saints ahead in their 1966 Grand final victory. Considering St Kilda's less than successful past, perhaps it is fitting that one of the club's true icons attained his glory for a missed shot on goal.
• Carl Ditterich - Mixed brilliant marking and strong ruck play with raw aggression. Was often in trouble with the tribunal.
• Darrel Baldock -Captain of St Kilda's 1966 premiership side.
• Neil Elvis 'Nicky' Winmar - Great mark, kick, tackler and magical ball handling. In 1993, after being the target of racist insults from the Victoria Park crowd, he lifted his shirt and proudly pointed to his skin.
• Rex Hunt - Spawned countless vagina jokes after becoming the bearded host of a fishing show.
• Ian Stewart - Fearless and became know for backing into packs to take marks. After playing 129 games for the Saints, left to play 78 games for the Tigers, winning a premiership in 1973.

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